Saturday, August 13, 2005

..I couldn't take it anymore..I did what I had to do..

after a brief interlude of wanting to satisfy my questions about him...I forced the issue in the park behind the house at like 1am. I just got back.
I sent an email ending a potential friendship...possible relationship.
Yes, it was the enormous amount of vodka that triggered off my final decision. Do I regret it...NO, well at least not now because I am feeling like I got used anyways..............go figure my first experience turned out to be a f**king disaster with a cross dresser...........
I've been down this road before.....................and lo and behold....the results were surprisingly similar............
I just don't care anymore............................

Friday, August 12, 2005

..the spiral continues...

..without getting into the details of my exploration of my emotions and mind I did last night through the tears of utter anguish..........which i will post later tonight
..I found out that a friend (or should I say sudden acquaintance ) that I have been someone steadily connecting with via telephone, email and in person has a tree that swings both ways if you get what I'm saying.
..I would not be blogging such a sensitivity because I do not care nor do I want to judge what other people's preferences are...........the problem is that I found out in a manner that made me nearly vomit........everything is making sense now.
..I have mixed emotions and am totally f**ked up from this at the moment...I am so f**ked up from this that I have induced an altered state of reality simply from the fact that some how I got caught up in all this while on my own spiral of self destruction.
..on top of that I am started to see a "stalking" pattern beginning, when I get calls from work telling me a creepy person is looking for me, I get alarmed.
OH GOD....................MORE LATER

Thursday, August 11, 2005

..the spiral begins again..

I found myself rushing to the LCBO right after my shift yesterday. I worked 9-1 with little sleep the night before. I awoke at 4am from the worst nightmare possible, to the point of sweating with fear.......I tip toed down to the remainder of the house and was sure that something or someone encased the cul de sac. I knew I was still in an altered state of mind from the dream, I sat on my bed breathing calmly telling myself it was just a dream. I visited the underworld.......were fears, phobias are nightmares............I don't know why?? Maybe the pillow cut off the flow of blood to my brain for a second..........I don't know??
I talked to the girl at the liquor store about vodka before I made my choice or raspberry flavored 35% proof vodka...it was not a mickey this time, it was a 26 er. Of course there was nothing to mix it with...NO FREAKING ICECUBES IN THIS HOUSE!!!! So I made some, by putting water into an empty plastic egg container......brilliant idea.......the cubes come out so easily too.
They were not home.........I made a drink straight up and sipped on it slowly..nothing happened, then another with the icecubes this time. I began to different, more in control or so I thought. Was I in more control...reeeaaallly??? I sat in the backyard thinking, thinking and more thinking...getting lost in my mind (which is not always a good thing).
I had an urge to call someone to chat, God I want to chat, joke around and laugh so bad. No one was home......the few I would even call, I have few close friends WELL no close friends ha ha ha. I reached for the phone to call my son........................but I didn't call..I should have...but I didn't.
The spiral has started....awaringly I am watching myself. "I" am not "myself".

Saturday, August 06, 2005

..violation of pure innocence

I went to the walk in clinic because I was concerned about the pain in my jaw and what appeared to be a swollen tongue.
I was treated very cruelly in the examination by the doctor in attendance. I discussed some other things with him and he practically turned vicious on me, he gave me 3 perscriptions for apparent symptoms that he only thought was the cause.
He tried to persuade me into a humiliating procedure, and then I got upset with him and told him so.......he more or less to get it done or to get out. At this point I was traumatized because he is a health care worker and his bed side manner made me feel like I was an idiot and me made feel ashamed that I was not feeling well.
I was feeling worse after I left and had only 1 1/2 hours to get ready for a late shift. I researched the one dose drug treatment and became quite concerned that I was given that without any test results.
When he looked into my ears it felt like the thing would go right through my head he was that rough. When he checked my tongue he stuck the popsicle stick very rudely almost down my throat ...at which point I began to gag. He said something about the tongue muscle being attached to the jaw by the ear.
He told me the severe abdominal pain I was experiencing was not related to the pain in my jaw/ear..............
I adamantly declined his physical examination of me after the instrusive check up of my mouth and ears.......................as I left the office he said really loudly GOOD BYE, the undertone in his voice was frightening.
I went seeking medical attention..........and when I left I was so upset at the callous way I was treated I almost started to cry but I didn't.............
................I know myself well enough that I will retreat into myself again and not be able to "open up" to people again.............I can feel the shell hardening already...........Dam...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

..fear of heights..

If I have a fear of heights then it is possible that I am not able to cope with being "on top of things". If I am more comfortable on the ground or at least having something to hold on to, then when I hit rock bottom emotionally and through my own delinquent behaviour I suppose I can deal with it.
I don't know, just don't know. Last night I lay down early to just be still, breathing normally-telling myself all the things I'm going to plan to do, convincing myself that I am in control of my choices. I set my alarm for 3 am to talk to my daughter before she headed out. After that I couldn't get to sleep............it's so hot in there no cross breeze, I was sweating and my feet hurt real bad.....
When I awoke this morning I took care of a few errands, but I was dazed-the humidity was awful in my non air conditioned truck. I went to the bank and got some money to pay for my rent for August here and gave it to him when I got back. I know that I am stalling, procrastinating and just bullsh*tting myself with excuses not to move forward.
This blog was not suppose to be about my personal feelings again..............but it has become that....it was to be about an altered state of reality.......Dam I screwed up again.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

...don't know what to think today.........

The last few days I have gone through utter hell. I received an email that may be prank or serious, I don't know yet. The implication wanted to make me vomit, and I'm feeling very edgy right now because I don't feel well.
It may be the heat, late nights, work, drinking, lack of sleep and just the basic lack of balance.....lack of proper nutrition.......all that said I'll wait for tomorrow morning and then proceed with whatever is necessary.
The unlimited week nights are on as well as the unlimited weekends.
My schedule was totally changed yesterday for August and today revised again, and revised 2 weeks ago.....................
I just don't understand why they turn off the central air during the night...I can hardly breathe.
I'm not in very good spirits attitude wise...................and need to rest my mind/body/soul-that is on the agenda tonight....

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

and one more thing.................

I am an emotional creature of habitual patterns mostly addictive.......I don't want to change........................I continue to enjoy my "bent" state of mind with or without any alcohol, LOLOL>and then punish myself for feeling good LOLOL

ENOUGH OF THIS ONLINE BULLSHIT DATING.

........I never really believed I could find someone decent on that on line dating scene, I did however have fun doing the crystal ball experiment...it showed me the demand.
...Today I had an increasing need for vodka coolers, I felt dehydrated and shaky....I can't recall feeling like that since I was about 35.
...I began to drink wine excessively 6 months after he died..........and then stopped
..I began to drink excessively right after I came back from my trip out to the West coast
..I got so pissed off today that I deleted all my contacts off that dating site............
..I got hit on in the smoking room at the local gambling joint,..........this pissed me off too!!

Am I having a good day today........................hmm could be better!