1SEAQUEEN

..I couldn't take it anymore..I did what I had to do..

2005-08-13T02:52:00.000-07:00

after a brief interlude of wanting to satisfy my questions about him...I forced the issue in the park behind the house at like 1am. I just got back.
I sent an email ending a potential friendship...possible relationship.
Yes, it was the enormous amount of vodka that triggered off my final decision. Do I regret it...NO, well at least not now because I am feeling like I got used anyways..............go figure my first experience turned out to be a f**king disaster with a cross dresser...........
I've been down this road before.....................and lo and behold....the results were surprisingly similar............
I just don't care anymore............................

..the spiral continues...

2005-08-12T16:56:00.000-07:00

..without getting into the details of my exploration of my emotions and mind I did last night through the tears of utter anguish..........which i will post later tonight
..I found out that a friend (or should I say sudden acquaintance ) that I have been someone steadily connecting with via telephone, email and in person has a tree that swings both ways if you get what I'm saying.
..I would not be blogging such a sensitivity because I do not care nor do I want to judge what other people's preferences are...........the problem is that I found out in a manner that made me nearly vomit........everything is making sense now.
..I have mixed emotions and am totally f**ked up from this at the moment...I am so f**ked up from this that I have induced an altered state of reality simply from the fact that some how I got caught up in all this while on my own spiral of self destruction.
..on top of that I am started to see a "stalking" pattern beginning, when I get calls from work telling me a creepy person is looking for me, I get alarmed.
OH GOD....................MORE LATER

..the spiral begins again..

2005-08-11T00:42:00.000-07:00

I found myself rushing to the LCBO right after my shift yesterday. I worked 9-1 with little sleep the night before. I awoke at 4am from the worst nightmare possible, to the point of sweating with fear.......I tip toed down to the remainder of the house and was sure that something or someone encased the cul de sac. I knew I was still in an altered state of mind from the dream, I sat on my bed breathing calmly telling myself it was just a dream. I visited the underworld.......were fears, phobias are nightmares............I don't know why?? Maybe the pillow cut off the flow of blood to my brain for a second..........I don't know??
I talked to the girl at the liquor store about vodka before I made my choice or raspberry flavored 35% proof vodka...it was not a mickey this time, it was a 26 er. Of course there was nothing to mix it with...NO FREAKING ICECUBES IN THIS HOUSE!!!! So I made some, by putting water into an empty plastic egg container......brilliant idea.......the cubes come out so easily too.
They were not home.........I made a drink straight up and sipped on it slowly..nothing happened, then another with the icecubes this time. I began to different, more in control or so I thought. Was I in more control...reeeaaallly??? I sat in the backyard thinking, thinking and more thinking...getting lost in my mind (which is not always a good thing).
I had an urge to call someone to chat, God I want to chat, joke around and laugh so bad. No one was home......the few I would even call, I have few close friends WELL no close friends ha ha ha. I reached for the phone to call my son........................but I didn't call..I should have...but I didn't.
The spiral has started....awaringly I am watching myself. "I" am not "myself".

..violation of pure innocence

2005-08-06T00:05:00.000-07:00

I went to the walk in clinic because I was concerned about the pain in my jaw and what appeared to be a swollen tongue.
I was treated very cruelly in the examination by the doctor in attendance. I discussed some other things with him and he practically turned vicious on me, he gave me 3 perscriptions for apparent symptoms that he only thought was the cause.
He tried to persuade me into a humiliating procedure, and then I got upset with him and told him so.......he more or less to get it done or to get out. At this point I was traumatized because he is a health care worker and his bed side manner made me feel like I was an idiot and me made feel ashamed that I was not feeling well.
I was feeling worse after I left and had only 1 1/2 hours to get ready for a late shift. I researched the one dose drug treatment and became quite concerned that I was given that without any test results.
When he looked into my ears it felt like the thing would go right through my head he was that rough. When he checked my tongue he stuck the popsicle stick very rudely almost down my throat ...at which point I began to gag. He said something about the tongue muscle being attached to the jaw by the ear.
He told me the severe abdominal pain I was experiencing was not related to the pain in my jaw/ear..............
I adamantly declined his physical examination of me after the instrusive check up of my mouth and ears.......................as I left the office he said really loudly GOOD BYE, the undertone in his voice was frightening.
I went seeking medical attention..........and when I left I was so upset at the callous way I was treated I almost started to cry but I didn't.............
................I know myself well enough that I will retreat into myself again and not be able to "open up" to people again.............I can feel the shell hardening already...........Dam...

..fear of heights..

2005-08-04T15:55:00.000-07:00

If I have a fear of heights then it is possible that I am not able to cope with being "on top of things". If I am more comfortable on the ground or at least having something to hold on to, then when I hit rock bottom emotionally and through my own delinquent behaviour I suppose I can deal with it.
I don't know, just don't know. Last night I lay down early to just be still, breathing normally-telling myself all the things I'm going to plan to do, convincing myself that I am in control of my choices. I set my alarm for 3 am to talk to my daughter before she headed out. After that I couldn't get to sleep............it's so hot in there no cross breeze, I was sweating and my feet hurt real bad.....
When I awoke this morning I took care of a few errands, but I was dazed-the humidity was awful in my non air conditioned truck. I went to the bank and got some money to pay for my rent for August here and gave it to him when I got back. I know that I am stalling, procrastinating and just bullsh*tting myself with excuses not to move forward.
This blog was not suppose to be about my personal feelings again..............but it has become that....it was to be about an altered state of reality.......Dam I screwed up again.

...don't know what to think today.........

2005-08-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

The last few days I have gone through utter hell. I received an email that may be prank or serious, I don't know yet. The implication wanted to make me vomit, and I'm feeling very edgy right now because I don't feel well.
It may be the heat, late nights, work, drinking, lack of sleep and just the basic lack of balance.....lack of proper nutrition.......all that said I'll wait for tomorrow morning and then proceed with whatever is necessary.
The unlimited week nights are on as well as the unlimited weekends.
My schedule was totally changed yesterday for August and today revised again, and revised 2 weeks ago.....................
I just don't understand why they turn off the central air during the night...I can hardly breathe.
I'm not in very good spirits attitude wise...................and need to rest my mind/body/soul-that is on the agenda tonight....

and one more thing.................

2005-08-02T01:16:00.000-07:00

I am an emotional creature of habitual patterns mostly addictive.......I don't want to change........................I continue to enjoy my "bent" state of mind with or without any alcohol, LOLOL>and then punish myself for feeling good LOLOL

ENOUGH OF THIS ONLINE BULLSHIT DATING.

2005-08-02T01:10:00.000-07:00

........I never really believed I could find someone decent on that on line dating scene, I did however have fun doing the crystal ball experiment...it showed me the demand.
...Today I had an increasing need for vodka coolers, I felt dehydrated and shaky....I can't recall feeling like that since I was about 35.
...I began to drink wine excessively 6 months after he died..........and then stopped
..I began to drink excessively right after I came back from my trip out to the West coast
..I got so pissed off today that I deleted all my contacts off that dating site............
..I got hit on in the smoking room at the local gambling joint,..........this pissed me off too!!

Am I having a good day today........................hmm could be better!

as if vodka coolers aren't enough

2005-08-01T16:42:00.000-07:00

so is the new reality that I am suppose to talk about when I re-started this blog. An alcohol induced state......as if vodka coolers aren't enough I had to spike them with 39%proof pure vodka.
I am one hung over puppy dog today. I think I went to a party somewhere (that I got invited to a few days ago)but decided at 11pm last night to go...........as it turned out it was the wrong night, haha...but the party went on nevertheless to the tune of 3am.
I really suck at playing Chess when I've had 2 spiked vodka coolers and at this point expensive icewine brandy. I lost the game and the bet, which I can't remember right now but I think I'm suppose to bake a blueberry pie or something.I've never baked a pie but I have made some yummy cheesecake and chocolate cakes.
Just to back track..........on my 1/2 lunch break yesterday at work I made a mad dash to the liquor store, waited in line 10 minutes..ran to Gino's pizza grabbed 1 slice of pizza..ate it as I ran to the truck to store the coolers, smoked a cigarette and ran back in before my 1/2 break was over.
I am really beginning to wonder what is happening to me????!!!!!

playing games with illusions

2005-07-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

...I got in the habit of drinking vodka coolers every day, so when I got off work...I craved one real bad or maybe it was cause I didn't eat and it was hunger??
I drove to 2 liquor stores and wouldn't you know it they were closed, I suppose I could have gone over to Jeorgio's he had some left over icewine brandy that he bought yesterday for our chess game (which I lost big time because I put my horse out on my first move). The bet was loser pays for the movies, some day , some where, hmmm.
..I worked 4-9 tonight and it was dead , boring, and they were playing sad music on top of that which I listened to cause I had nothing to preoccupy my mind. Normally I don't hear it --it was really depressing lyrics.........
...I'm working tomorrow as a favor to the new young girl, as she makes more money at crabby joes tips and all.
I was thinking of my son today and how much I could see and hang out with him at one of those bars downtown vancity...........I yearned to be back there-I think I am having withdrawal from that place, I know for a few weeks I was down because I was here.
..Everything is an illusion right now, nothing is really real even though it appears to be....

3 posts in one day

2005-07-25T22:55:00.000-07:00

I changed my reality by going for the walk. There is a park behind this house that I have never walked through in the last 24 years that I have visited here and tonight for the first time I did. I took my cell with me and call a potential new male friend who happens to live in the subdivision and who is also a real estate broker.
Imagine that, he picked up the phone. He must have known it was me-he has caller ID. I did something out of character just to prove to myself that I can change my reality of habitual pattern, and invited him for a walk-he just got off work and I could sense he was declining but nevertheless I was invited to his home which I walked to. A bit nervous I was or rather excited at the risk I took, haha. I went into his gorgeous, artistically decorated home. Pieces of eccentric artwork everywhere, helped him hang some pictures-laughing the whole while. Met one of his roommates and then another just before I was leaving. We chatted in his enclosed patio as the sun set and the stars were clearly visible. It was a strange peaceful visit. He is not like any other man I've known. He is very in touch with his feminine side, not a macho type at all. This intrigued me immensely. I cut the visit short when the other roommate showed up and left........with an aura of mystery behind me. I walked up the hill back to the house to find I was locked out as usual when I specifically asked the back door to garage remain open. Not even that bothered me.I was glad I did what I did...you never know I may have a new, very interesting friend..

The step has been taken

2005-07-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

ok....I'm going now. The step has been taken there is no turning back now.................

altered state of reality is achieved in many ways

2005-07-25T20:23:00.000-07:00

..one of the quickest ways to achieve an altered state is either by taking drugs or alcohol. Fasting, lack of sleep, sleeping or having an emotional moment will induce changes as well. Meditation can be effective as well. Getting lost in music is a type of meditation.

We humans have become so "tight" and "closed" . My reality today is one of indifference. I feel as though I just got off a roller coaster ride, I have been burning the candle at both ends this week and now I am just "still". The stillness was always welcome, but it is different today. I called Ray for 7minutes, haha......really only 70 cents. I don't know why I thought it would be more, I guess my plan is not 25 cents a minute it is 10 cents anywhere in Canada, so the Bell rep told me after I called to find out how much the call was.

It's all how you look at things I suppose.........I am off my center right about now and when that happens it will induce a flood of emotions tomorrow. It is always the calm before the storm. It is a habitual behaviour I recognize...a pattern. If I recognize it then I can alter it. To replace this pattern I would need to do something ...and that is exactly what I will do...I won't write about it.....I'll act on it, so I am going to take my pattern out for a walk-and see if it is still there when I return.

My reaction is all that matters anymore....

2005-07-25T17:01:00.000-07:00

I had a situation last night where I did return someone's phone call (which I have a bad reputation of not doing promptly). A person I met wanted to see me, I had other plans as I worked in customer service all weekend and just wanted to be by myself, doing what I enjoyed. The person was irate....that I did not drop everything to be there just because he had limited time to see me in his busy schedule. I hardly liked the anger in his voice....and normally would have felt guilty or bad about myself because I didn't make someone happy. Well, not this time, I told him I did not like his shitty attitude towards me and that I did not have to explain myself or be accountable to him for my time. I am not even in a relationship with him, we were starting to see each other a few times, he became downright demanding that I make an effort to see him when he had free time. I can understand his issues but feel that I am not responsible for his chosen lifestyle. He told me I had no control of my life.....something that I thought about after he hung up on me. It seems to me he is projecting his own shit onto me.
Too bad, the more pushy he became and on top of that putting me down...the more I did not want to see him. I have played this role before and I chose to react very strongly this time. His anger towards me is basically his anger towards himself..................I finally understand this dynamic -and chose not to repeat the lesson....with my own emotions because I don't want to get into power struggles, my strength is silent and doesn't need an outlet through some innocent person.

Does the fact that I live with other people....

2005-07-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

I suppose I need to address the way I chose to react to the reality of the moment.......when another person interjects into my "space" of personal time and thoughts I become combative, defensive and downright enraged. .....when another person projects their insecurities, negativity and lack of responsibility for their own fear onto me out of the blue on a constant basis.

I have dealt with this for much time.................because it is precious to me I would not impose those things on someone else especially my own children. Does compromise mean giving up my moments of peace and serenity to passify someone else that will undoubtedly bring me down. This does not always happen, however I wonder first and foremost whether it is because there is no emotional bond. When there is an emotional bond the compromise or adaptation is easier because there is a fluid understanding that goes without saying.

I made posts to a previous blog (which I deleted) about energy stealers ....and find myself still writing about it. So what is my problem, if it is my problem at all--I think it is because I over extend myself in my job and am surrounded by needy people and must as the job description says provide above average service.....This service cannot be given just with work....it is given of oneself, or at least in my case. I have worked in solitude with machines many years and loved it...........I have worked one on one with people many years and like it but would have to limit it to 3-4 hours as that is my tolerance level...the other 3-4 hours I need to work physically with things, machines etc with little chit chat.

The reality is never as it seems..........whose reality is it anyways? My attitude on any given day will determine my reality and how I see the world and the people around me. If I am off balance through extending myself-then I become protective of my personal time and energy. Makes perfect sense to me...and that is all that matters as I am the one who looks in the mirror and into my eyes to see if my physical reality and my inner reality are exactly the same.

Sometimes I have more fun in my dreams

2005-07-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't quite figured out who all the people are in my dreams but it is sure interesting that there is a dialogue going on without actually hearing a voice. It seems we just know what we are thinking. The dream state is an altered state of the mind that you enter when you go to sleep, the alpha state. Through serious meditation a person can achieve this state and actually make contact with those people or beings or whatever they are.

Loss of self control

2005-07-21T00:21:00.000-07:00

..when someone or some thing controls time, energy and thought process it takes away self-power
..self-power is the ability to rise above reactions to that someone or some thing, when the ability is not there or utilized then self-power becomes someone elses power or some thing's power.
..not letting some thing or someone monopolize time, energy and thought process gives power back to the self.
..habits control and can be more powerful than self-power.

The Here and Now

2005-07-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

...caught between two worlds -the here and the now.
Sounds almost the same doesn't it. If it is here then it is now, right.

Now means past / present/future -just now/now /for now
Here means past/present/future-was here/is here/will be here

I can be in the here and now...........but which tense of here and which tense of now -

...searching...

2005-07-19T23:39:00.000-07:00

..every once in awhile I ask myself that there has got to be more to this life than what I see, feel and touch....another reality.
..a reality where there is no spoken words, kinda like sitting with yourself in a quiet moment-and just knowing.
..and yet I feel so connected with everything and at the same time an entity unto myself with no real connections-there is always that wall that won't allow anyone to enter.
...I have been searching for the meaning of life ever since I can remember...there is something missing, lacking or just not there. No matter how many people I have around me, and no matter what I am doing...I am constantly searching trying to reach something that would satisfy this hunger and thirst I have. It cannot not be satisfied by another person, with money or accomplishments...it is something that is still incomplete...
..I have never really walked with the wind, always against it...
..I remain "me" despite all those different roles I played so far........I remember when the wind blew in my face and I could hardly see.....but I kept going and did what I had to do.
..always searching to find that something...there is another reality because if there wasn't I wouldn't be searching..

Full moon, fleeting thoughts, couple of vodka coolers.

2005-07-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

The moon was absolutely gorgeous, the neighborhood was still and peaceful as a stray cat walked into the backyard just to meow at me and leave. My thoughts were all over the place, wondering about what it is that I should be deciding. The vodka coolers calmed my inner restlessness and the darkness with the shining moon was eerie. I saw the lights of a plane and remembered myself being in one not too long ago...and how I believed and trusted that I would reach and return from my destination.
The moon reminded me that it is the same moon all over the world and everyone looks at it at different times, in different moods and in different places...that is if they even stop to admire it. My thoughts were drifting, somehow I like that feeling, there was a serenity with it tonight because nothing else mattered. It was me and the universe and the reality that I chose to see -it was beautiful because my attitude was one of beauty and all the positive in the world that can be.

Habit

2005-07-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

settled or regular tendency or practice, practice that is hard to give up, habit of mind,.
habit forming-causing addiction, addicted-given over habitually to...devoted to an interest..
addict-person addicted to a habit forming tendency or practice, addictive-causing addiction.

The unknown

2005-07-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

..the response of the one simple question lead to a large group of inquiring minds
..people love to talk about the future possibilities using tools of divination
..how is it that we are so curious about the unknown when in actuality we are in the process at this moment in creating it up to a certain point

through the window..

2005-07-16T00:16:00.000-07:00

Looking through the window and seeing what is beyond can be somewhat limiting. People's realities are much like windows. They only see from a limited perspective -
The scene through the window is of 1 large tree, a fence, birdhouse in the tree, 1 lawn chair and a park in the background at a distance. If your conditioning has taught you to only see the lawn chair, large tree and fence you may miss finding the birdhouse in the tree and not notice the park in the background-
When you situate yourself outside to look at the same scene you will also see the window- you have come outside of your limited perspective-

Compulsive behaviors or addictions.

2005-07-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Deep seated habits and attachments continue to control us. We give our power over ourselves away to any habit, attachment, addiction, person or thing therefore never becoming emotionally free.

Greeting to the new dimension.

2005-07-14T12:45:00.000-07:00

Today is the beginning of another journey to possible parallel realities.